A blog article. The territory of my fellow hacks and celebrities world-wide to speak their mind on things they probably have little business expressing their views upon. This is in lieu of a podcast, where I can usually apply a veil of translucent plausibility that I am, in fact, super awesome when it comes to breaking down the Detroit Lions and expressing the pain they give me on a yearly basis. Think Blanche DuBois from A Street Car Named Desire franticly throwing extra shade on lamps to cover for her withering looks in her later years…..
I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers. (So, remember, “like” Lions Anonymous on Facebook, “follow” on Twitter. Share, retweet, tell your mom, etc).
So, be kind! Typing shit isn’t my bag. I rather hear myself being angry about the Lions, too, but this is where I am out of necessity. Why?
Because podcasting is frustrating sometimes. It’s one thing when the morning crew of buttholes roll into the radio station on a Tuesday morning and get on the FM frequency with their sound-proof studio, and producers, and prep time, and everything else they get, to record in peace, while they get wacky with their bullshit. It’s another thing when you are me.
I need quiet. And space. And I need time to speak, and more time to fuck with the software and edit in post-production.
I have a fiancé, and a kid, and job that has me coming in earlier now, so my sleep pattern has adjusted. And all of them are a pain in the ass when it comes to recording a podcast.
The good thing about a blog article, you won’t have to read “um” and “uh” in between my thoughts (Edit: All I did was hit CTRL+F and searched for “um” and “uh” and chose to “replace” with nothing. Took care of that real quick. Technology!)
The plan is for this article to follow along the usual podcast lines:
- LPGA Rankings (The positional group’s likelihood of having me bitch, complain, have a heart attack, etc).
- Game preview (Lions at Vikings)
- Week 6 picks
- Smoke a bowl?
LPGA Rankings (Lions Positional Group Angst rankings):
- Offensive Line (1, last week) – What a fat group of cunts. I’ll give Larry Warford a pass (for now), but that’s it. Stafford is getting killed. He isn’t blameless, but give us a fucking break.
Here is a list of people I’d rather have playing LG than Rob Sims:
- Molly Sims – At least we could say we have the hottest offensive line in the league.
- Billy Sims – Because while Rob Sims use to be good, Billy Sims use to be GREAT.
- Phil Simms – So we don’t have to listen to this fuck stick do color commentary anymore.
- Jeff Hostetler – Just to spite Phil Simms.
- The Sims – At least I can tell these mother fuckers what to do.
As for the rest of them, I’ll give LaAdrian Waddle a little bit of a break. He’s been hurt. He can go back to being a 2nd year undrafted, mediocre-at-best RT we are somehow leaning on.
Dominic Raiola is done. It HAS TO BE his last year. Whatever juice he squeezed out of his career last year, there is nothing left behind but a dried out rind.
And Riley Reiff…..we’re getting into “bust” territory. Left tackle is a premiere position in this league. He is not worthy. It might be time to draft another LT, move Reiff to the right, and see if Waddle can move inside.
- Kickers (3) – Jesus Ebola-producing Christ! Why the FUCK is “kicker” so hard to solve? It’s crucial, of course, but somehow 31 other teams can figure out a guy who can at least hit 2/3 of his kicks. Here we are on kicker #3. After Alex Henery single-handedly (with a little help, I suppose, from the douche bags at #1) lost the game versus the Bills by going 0-3, a handful of replacements appeared, mostly through social media:
- Jay Feely – The former Wolverine tweeted out that he wanted a workout. After a solid career, he did get that workout and performed well, according to reports.
- Kickalicious – Only appeared because Lions fans are stupid. The same guys that want Kellen Moore in at QB want this guy kicking.
- Dave Rayner – The former Spartan who’d been in the league for a while but hasn’t played since 2011. No workout offered.
- Brendan Gibbons – The former Wolverine, who has never played in the league, had his name thrown out there. I’m sure the NFL would have loved that. “Great! We need to balance our portfolio. Not enough sexual predators on rosters. And call Darren Sharper. See if he has anything left in the tank”.
- Rob Bironas – While Jim Caldwell and the staff was in the stadium, a football on a tee was magically booted through the uprights from 58 yards away. Unfortunately, they all yelled “ZOINKS!”, and ran in mid-air for a few moments before taking off. No contract was offered.
- JASON “FUCKING” HANSON!!! – Apparently, he offered to come out of retirement (reported after a kicker was signed), but Tom Lewand and the brass deny it. If Garrett Hartley got the job, we’d be pissed. But he didn’t. A quality guy did. And, truthfully, I’d rather remember Hanson positively. Having him come back and struggle would be fucking depressing.
In the end, Matt Prater was signed. He’s a former Pro Bowler, dropped by the Broncos after his suspension for an issue with alcohol. Hopefully, Bironas and Prater can work a bit of a Whoopi-Swayze routine and keep Prater out of the sauce. No matter how good he ends up being, the kicker position is on my shit-list for the rest of the season. This start has been inexcusable.
- Running Backs (4) – The. Lions. Can’t. Run. It’s true. Partly line play, partly personnel. Joique being out last week was a problem. He is the one that COULD get you some yards up the middle. George Winn was okay in his spot. Reggie couldn’t accomplish shit before being injured.
This week, it looks like Joique is back, Reggie is out. I’m not holding my breath on any good yardage all season. Just a little bit more would go a long way to taking the pressure off the passing game.
- Tight Ends (6) – Brandon Pettigrew is nothing but a blocker. Eric Ebron is being overlooked by Stafford in his progressions. Joe Fauria owns a dog. Eventually it all might be put together, but right now, they are useless for various reasons, some of it out of their control.
- Returners/Coverage (2) – Not much to say here. I gave these guys a break this week because some positions really sucked, and Jeremy Ross had a couple good returns versus the Bills. It would be nice to get a big play or two at some point, but it’s hasn’t been much. Abdul-Quddus got lucky last week, by the way. “Running into the kicker” rather than “Roughing” saved him from the wrath of my mighty microphone (ugh….blog article, I mean).
- Secondary (7) – Man. Man. Man! No zone. Please. I really like Slay in man coverage, in particular. But they got soft as my dick while thinking about my grandmother taking a shit on that last drive. Kyle Orton sliced them up. Sammy Watkins got to put on a ridiculous 3-second juggling act before catching the football. It was a bad Sunday.
- Quarterbacks (5) – He’s getting a break, too. He didn’t play particularly good. He missed on easy throws. He missed some wide open opportunities. But he made some good throws, too. He was missing his big target. He was getting crushed via poor blocking. I’m going to save my disappointment in Stafford until I see more shittiness.
- Linebackers (8) – Good play, overall. Some rough coverage from Levy (tight end, all alone in the end zone, never forgivable), but that was out of character. Ashlee Palmer might be okay as a starter, same with Whitehead.
- Wide Receivers (9) – Although Megatron is out this week, and didn’t play much versus the Bills, Golden Tate emerged further. He is quickly becoming my favorite Lion. Not just that he catches the ball and gets that YAC. He has…..ugh…..swag? Swagger? That word got so fucked-out since Jay-Z brought it to us over a decade ago. But I’m getting old, so….turnt? Is Golden Tate turnt up? Golden Turnt? Maybe that’s what I’ll call him now.
10. Defensive Line (10) – Killers, as usual. I don’t have anything to say but that.
Lions at Vikings preview:
I’m not going to get too deep here. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to read this sort of thing already.
Lions Running vs. Vikings Defense: I already got into this above. The running game is non-existent, largely due to the fat fucks up front. The Vikings are middle-of-the-road against runners, but I think they’ll be okay on Sunday.
Lions Passing vs. Vikings Defense: I’m hopeful here. I’ve been saying all year that Stafford needs to work his progressions. I’m not saying they are better without Johnson, but they are better when Stafford doesn’t treat him like his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd options. Of course, you want him there, but I think with the receivers that are there now (unlike last year vs. the Packers in Week 5 when Kris Durham was “the man” in Johnson’s absence) Stafford will be okay. The Vikings pass rush is nothing spectacular. If he gets time, he can get the job done.
Vikings Running vs. Lions Defense: Bitch, please. Unless Cordarrelle Patterson gets multiple successful touches, the Vikings aren’t going to be racking up the rushing stats. The Lions have been dominant against the run and Matt Asiata isn’t scaring you or me, or anyone in Honolulu blue.
Vikings Passing vs. Lions Defense: I’m a little worried here. Only because I love Teddy Bridgewater. I love his throwing motion, and I love what he puts behind the ball. It’s weird looking, really. It’s an efficient delivery, and he gets more velocity on the ball than it looks like his frame should provide. I’m hoping they get after him and rattle the kid, but I’m fearing that this is a game where he makes his name. Tackling will also be huge for the secondary, especially with Patterson on the field. The tackling of the secondary has been something I’ve liked. Let’s minimize the YAC, shall we?
Special Teams: The Vikings are very good here. Blair Walsh is yet another kicker we envy, and Patterson and Sherels are dangerous return men. Here’s Matt Prater’s shot. If he delivers a couple good kicks, we’ll love him. We’ll be chanting Hanson’s name if he doesn’t.
The Pick: Vikings 23, Lions 20. I’ve picked the Lions every week, but I’ve gotta be real. I have a baaaaaad feeling. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. I just see the offense struggling again.
Week 6 Picks
Last week: 9-5-1 Season: 41-33-2
Picks are in bold. 1-0 after Thursday’s game (pick made on Twitter).
|Date & Time||Favorite||Line||Underdog|
|10/12 1:00 ET||Denver||-9.5||At NY Jets|
|10/12 1:00 ET||At Cleveland||-1||Pittsburgh|
|10/12 1:00 ET||At Tennessee||-4||Jacksonville|
|10/12 4:25 ET||At Atlanta||-3||Chicago|
|10/12 1:00 ET||Green Bay||-3||At Miami|
|10/12 1:00 ET||At Minnesota||-1.5||Detroit|
|10/12 1:00 ET||At Cincinnati||-6.5||Carolina|
|10/12 1:00 ET||New England||-2.5||At Buffalo|
|10/12 1:00 ET||Baltimore||-3.5||At Tampa Bay|
|10/12 4:05 ET||San Diego||-7||At Oakland|
|10/12 4:25 ET||At Seattle||-8||Dallas|
|10/12 4:25 ET||At Arizona||-3.5||Washington|
|10/12 8:30 ET||At Philadelphia||-3||NY Giants|
Monday Night Football Line
|10/13 8:30 ET||San Francisco||-3.5||At St. Louis|
Alright, that will do it. The plan is to get the podcast back on track. Part of it is space in the house. I need to clear out room in our office for all of the equipment. The other part is shouting “Hey!! Shut the fuck up!! I’m recording!!”.
Talk to you guys next week.
And, GO LIONS!