Wildcard Preview: Lions at Cowboys

Matthew starts off by catching up on some stuff from the past few weeks before previewing tomorrow’s Wildcard matchup between the Lions and Cowboys.

Week 14: Buccaneers at Lions preview

Matthew starts out by touching on the Rams “Ferguson gesture” and Roger Goodell. From there, he previews Bucs at Lions and gives his Week 14 picks.

Week 13: Bears at Lions Recap

Matthew talks about the NFC playoff situation after the Lions victory and then brings on the weekly edition of the LPGA Rankings.

Week 13: Lions at Patriots recap and Bears at Lions preview

Matthew gets into the game versus the Patriots and his disappointment before moving into the Angst Rankings. He then provides an early Bears at Lions preview and Week 13 picks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Week 12: Lions at Patriots preview

Matthew starts off by talking about the mentality of the Lions and bleeds that into his preview of Lions at Patriots. He follows that with his Week 12 picks.

Week 10: Dolphins at Lions plus Weekly Picks

I cannot make any more promises of there being future podcasts.

Not that there won’t be.   I still hope there are 2 podcasts per week from here on out, but so many variables get thrown in and my plans get fucked.

Like going 3 weeks without Calvin Johnson.

Unlike my podcast schedule, the Lions have persevered by going 3-0. That hasn’t mattered to some. ESPN’s power rankings for Week 10 point out that the Lions “didn’t exactly feast” while never scoring more than 24 points in their last 3 games. There was no Johnson (plus varying degrees of health from RBs and TEs)! If you want a real treat, listen to Grantland’s NFL Podcast and witness Bill Barnwell dismiss the Lions on a weekly basis (if you can get past the fact that he sounds like South Park’s Mr. Slave). Jesus Christ!

Speaking of variables and schedule adjustments….London again? We don’t lose a home game, which is fine. I’m not a fan of the shit turf at Wembley and the unknown factor of time change and long flights. It’s the same reason I found the 2013 game in Philly to be fucked. Games shouldn’t be decided on who wore the right shoes, or who can handle strange scheduling arrangements (I’m looking at you, Thursday Night Football). However, my man Griff (@GoBlueGriff on Twitter) points out that it keeps us out of Arrowhead. Great point. Along with Seattle, Green Bay, and New Orleans, Kansas City is not a place you want to visit. Especially when some dickpump from the Guinness Book of World Records breaks out his decibel meter (decibelometer?) for a bunch of people jacked up on beer and Arthur Bryant’s BBQ sauce.


Dolphins at Lions Preview

Lions Running vs. Dolphins Defense: The Dolphins are allowing 4.0 yards a carry. Not bad, not good, but the Lions haven’t run for shit. Part of that can be attributed to no TE threat being available lately to stretch out the “men in the box”, and some injuries. A semi-healthy Fauria on the field (doesn’t look good for Ebron to be back this week) may keep a LB occupied, and the return of Reggie Bush COULD mean something, but I’m not seeing a breakout performance coming.

Lions Passing vs. Dolphins Defense: Miami is very strong against the pass, as well. They get very good pressure, which includes Cameron Wake, who may end up being a nightmare. Reiff and Waddle really need to bring their best. Coverage wise, the Dolphins are decent. The x-factor is going to be Johnson. If he is as healthy as he claims to be, we may get what we’ve been waiting for since Week 1. And then there is Tate, who has been a savior in these last few games. And you can throw in the fact that Caldwell stated this week that the TE position will have a place in this offense going forward, so I actually like Fauria to have an impact. Maybe not a big game, but I can see 4 catches for 40-60 yards in his future.

Dolphins Running vs. Lions Defense: The Lions have been a roadblock for running backs. While Lamar Miller has been pretty good for the Dolphins, and the Dolphins line does a good job making holes, Miller isn’t going to get much going today (and he’s a little banged-up). Someone IS going to need to keep an eye on Tannehill. They will run some read-option, and although he doesn’t have a ton of wiggle, he is an athletic guy with long strides that can rack up yards in a hurry if he gets to run a straight line.

Dolphins Passing vs. Lions Defense: We know our defensive line is a group of murderers. The Dolphins O-Line is okay in protection, and that won’t be enough today, but what I’d like to point out is that the best WR for the Dolphins (Wallace) is a deep-threat guy and this secondary has done a great job of not giving up the big play. Slay, in particular, has been a star when it comes to running stride-to-stride with downfield WRs. When it comes to the Dolphins throwing the ball, the only guy I worry about is TE Charles Clay. Don’t be surprised if a couple times today you’re frustrated by a wide-open Clay grabbing a reception for a 1st down on 3rd and long.

Special Teams Notes: Just make your fucking FGs, motherfucker! No 2nd chances this week.

The Lions win if…….they come out of the box on offense humming and Johnson does his thing. It’s at home, I think he is ready to put on a show. If that can happen, and they can force the Dolphins to get too one-dimensional, the defensive line is going to tee-off on Tannehill.

The Lions lose if……they can’t protect Stafford. Stafford has been getting hit a lot this season. There is a big test this week. The offensive line needs to step up, and Stafford will have his favorite weapon back, so he needs to make smart, quick decisions.

Prediction: Lions 31, Dolphins 20


Weekly Picks

Last Week: 7-6

Season: 71-60-3

This week: 1-0 (pick made on Twitter, @LionsAnonymous)

Picks are in bold

Date & Time Favorite Line Underdog Total
11/9 1:00 ET Dallas -7 Jacksonville
At London
11/9 1:00 ET At Detroit -2.5 Miami 43.5
11/9 1:00 ET At Buffalo -1 Kansas City 42
11/9 1:00 ET At New Orleans -6 San Francisco 49.5
11/9 1:00 ET At Baltimore -10 Tennessee 44
11/9 1:00 ET Pittsburgh -4 At NY Jets 47
11/9 1:00 ET Atlanta -3 At Tampa Bay 46.5
11/9 4:05 ET Denver -11.5 At Oakland 50
11/9 4:25 ET At Arizona -6.5 St. Louis 43
11/9 4:25 ET At Seattle -9 NY Giants 44.5
11/9 8:30 ET At Green Bay -7.5 Chicago 53.5

Monday Night Football Line

11/10 8:30 ET At Philadelphia -6.5 Carolina 48

Week 10: Midseason Grades

Matthew gets into the playoff outlook for the Lions and hands out some grades.

Note: The intention was to post some statistical graphs, but it looked messy. Check Twitter and Facebook for some notes.

Week 9: Bye…..just NFL picks

No podcast this week.  There will be a new one to start Week 10 on Monday, November 3rd.

Just my Week 9 picks to share this week.  It’s been a pretty good season for me, so far. Through 8 weeks, I only have one week under .500, and that one was only one pick below.  So, I’ve been consistently average most weeks with 2 really good weeks mixed in.

As always, these picks are against the spread….

Last Week: 8-7

Season: 64-54-3

This week, I’m 0-1 after the Saints handled the Panthers on Thursday (Pick made via Twitter, @LionsAnonymous).

Picks are in bold

Date & Time Favorite Line Underdog
11/2 1:00 ET At Miami -2 San Diego
11/2 1:00 ET At Cincinnati -10.5 Jacksonville
11/2 1:00 ET At Cleveland -6.5 Tampa Bay
11/2 1:00 ET At Minnesota -1 Washington
11/2 1:00 ET Philadelphia -1.5 At Houston
11/2 1:00 ET At Kansas City -9.5 NY Jets
11/2 1:00 ET At Dallas -2.5 Arizona
11/2 4:05 ET At San Francisco -10 St. Louis
11/2 4:25 ET Denver -3 At New England
11/2 4:25 ET At Seattle -14.5 Oakland
11/2 8:30 ET Baltimore -1.5 At Pittsburgh


Monday Night Football Line

11/3 8:30 ET Indianapolis -3 At NY Giants


Bye Weeks: Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay, Tennessee


Week 8: Lions vs. Falcons from London

Matthew starts by talking about what the MSU-UM game means to him.  He moves on to the Ndamukong Suh “trade” and media sensationalism.

Matthew then gets into the “Angst Rankings”, the preview of Lions vs. Falcons, and his Week 8 picks.

Week 7: Saints at Lions

Matthew talks about his renewed faith in the Lions, runs through this week’s LPGA rankings, previews the Saints at Lions, and finishes with the Week 7 picks.

Week 6: Lions at Vikings

A blog article. The territory of my fellow hacks and celebrities world-wide to speak their mind on things they probably have little business expressing their views upon.   This is in lieu of a podcast, where I can usually apply a veil of translucent plausibility that I am, in fact, super awesome when it comes to breaking down the Detroit Lions and expressing the pain they give me on a yearly basis. Think Blanche DuBois from A Street Car Named Desire franticly throwing extra shade on lamps to cover for her withering looks in her later years…..

I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers. (So, remember, “like” Lions Anonymous on Facebook, “follow” on Twitter. Share, retweet, tell your mom, etc).

So, be kind! Typing shit isn’t my bag. I rather hear myself being angry about the Lions, too, but this is where I am out of necessity. Why?

Because podcasting is frustrating sometimes. It’s one thing when the morning crew of buttholes roll into the radio station on a Tuesday morning and get on the FM frequency with their sound-proof studio, and producers, and prep time, and everything else they get, to record in peace, while they get wacky with their bullshit. It’s another thing when you are me.

I need quiet. And space. And I need time to speak, and more time to fuck with the software and edit in post-production.

I have a fiancé, and a kid, and job that has me coming in earlier now, so my sleep pattern has adjusted. And all of them are a pain in the ass when it comes to recording a podcast.

The good thing about a blog article, you won’t have to read “um” and “uh” in between my thoughts (Edit: All I did was hit CTRL+F and searched for “um” and “uh” and chose to “replace” with nothing. Took care of that real quick. Technology!)

The plan is for this article to follow along the usual podcast lines:

  • LPGA Rankings (The positional group’s likelihood of having me bitch, complain, have a heart attack, etc).
  • Game preview (Lions at Vikings)
  • Week 6 picks
  • Smoke a bowl?

LPGA Rankings (Lions Positional Group Angst rankings):

  1. Offensive Line (1, last week) – What a fat group of cunts. I’ll give Larry Warford a pass (for now), but that’s it. Stafford is getting killed. He isn’t blameless, but give us a fucking break.

Here is a list of people I’d rather have playing LG than Rob Sims:

  • Molly Sims – At least we could say we have the hottest offensive line in the league.
  • Billy Sims – Because while Rob Sims use to be good, Billy Sims use to be GREAT.
  • Phil Simms – So we don’t have to listen to this fuck stick do color commentary anymore.
  • Jeff Hostetler – Just to spite Phil Simms.
  • The Sims – At least I can tell these mother fuckers what to do.

As for the rest of them, I’ll give LaAdrian Waddle a little bit of a break. He’s been hurt. He can go back to being a 2nd year undrafted, mediocre-at-best RT we are somehow leaning on.

Dominic Raiola is done. It HAS TO BE his last year. Whatever juice he squeezed out of his career last year, there is nothing left behind but a dried out rind.

And Riley Reiff…..we’re getting into “bust” territory. Left tackle is a premiere position in this league. He is not worthy. It might be time to draft another LT, move Reiff to the right, and see if Waddle can move inside.


  1. Kickers (3) – Jesus Ebola-producing Christ! Why the FUCK is “kicker” so hard to solve? It’s crucial, of course, but somehow 31 other teams can figure out a guy who can at least hit 2/3 of his kicks. Here we are on kicker #3. After Alex Henery single-handedly (with a little help, I suppose, from the douche bags at #1) lost the game versus the Bills by going 0-3, a handful of replacements appeared, mostly through social media:
  • Jay Feely – The former Wolverine tweeted out that he wanted a workout. After a solid career, he did get that workout and performed well, according to reports.
  • Kickalicious – Only appeared because Lions fans are stupid. The same guys that want Kellen Moore in at QB want this guy kicking.
  • Dave Rayner – The former Spartan who’d been in the league for a while but hasn’t played since 2011. No workout offered.
  • Brendan Gibbons – The former Wolverine, who has never played in the league, had his name thrown out there. I’m sure the NFL would have loved that. “Great! We need to balance our portfolio. Not enough sexual predators on rosters. And call Darren Sharper. See if he has anything left in the tank”.
  • Rob Bironas – While Jim Caldwell and the staff was in the stadium, a football on a tee was magically booted through the uprights from 58 yards away. Unfortunately, they all yelled “ZOINKS!”, and ran in mid-air for a few moments before taking off. No contract was offered.
  • JASON “FUCKING” HANSON!!! – Apparently, he offered to come out of retirement (reported after a kicker was signed), but Tom Lewand and the brass deny it. If Garrett Hartley got the job, we’d be pissed. But he didn’t. A quality guy did. And, truthfully, I’d rather remember Hanson positively. Having him come back and struggle would be fucking depressing.

In the end, Matt Prater was signed. He’s a former Pro Bowler, dropped by the Broncos after his suspension for an issue with alcohol. Hopefully, Bironas and Prater can work a bit of a Whoopi-Swayze routine and keep Prater out of the sauce. No matter how good he ends up being, the kicker position is on my shit-list for the rest of the season. This start has been inexcusable.


  1. Running Backs (4) – The. Lions. Can’t. Run. It’s true. Partly line play, partly personnel. Joique being out last week was a problem. He is the one that COULD get you some yards up the middle. George Winn was okay in his spot. Reggie couldn’t accomplish shit before being injured.

This week, it looks like Joique is back, Reggie is out. I’m not holding my breath on any good yardage all season. Just a little bit more would go a long way to taking the pressure off the passing game.


  1. Tight Ends (6) – Brandon Pettigrew is nothing but a blocker. Eric Ebron is being overlooked by Stafford in his progressions. Joe Fauria owns a dog. Eventually it all might be put together, but right now, they are useless for various reasons, some of it out of their control.


  1. Returners/Coverage (2) – Not much to say here. I gave these guys a break this week because some positions really sucked, and Jeremy Ross had a couple good returns versus the Bills. It would be nice to get a big play or two at some point, but it’s hasn’t been much. Abdul-Quddus got lucky last week, by the way. “Running into the kicker” rather than “Roughing” saved him from the wrath of my mighty microphone (ugh….blog article, I mean).


  1. Secondary (7) – Man. Man. Man! No zone. Please. I really like Slay in man coverage, in particular. But they got soft as my dick while thinking about my grandmother taking a shit on that last drive. Kyle Orton sliced them up. Sammy Watkins got to put on a ridiculous 3-second juggling act before catching the football. It was a bad Sunday.


  1. Quarterbacks (5) – He’s getting a break, too. He didn’t play particularly good. He missed on easy throws. He missed some wide open opportunities. But he made some good throws, too. He was missing his big target. He was getting crushed via poor blocking. I’m going to save my disappointment in Stafford until I see more shittiness.


  1. Linebackers (8) – Good play, overall. Some rough coverage from Levy (tight end, all alone in the end zone, never forgivable), but that was out of character. Ashlee Palmer might be okay as a starter, same with Whitehead.


  1. Wide Receivers (9) – Although Megatron is out this week, and didn’t play much versus the Bills, Golden Tate emerged further. He is quickly becoming my favorite Lion. Not just that he catches the ball and gets that YAC. He has…..ugh…..swag? Swagger? That word got so fucked-out since Jay-Z brought it to us over a decade ago. But I’m getting old, so….turnt? Is Golden Tate turnt up? Golden Turnt? Maybe that’s what I’ll call him now.


10. Defensive Line (10) – Killers, as usual. I don’t have anything to say but that.


Lions at Vikings preview:

I’m not going to get too deep here. You’ve had plenty of opportunity to read this sort of thing already.

Lions Running vs. Vikings Defense: I already got into this above. The running game is non-existent, largely due to the fat fucks up front. The Vikings are middle-of-the-road against runners, but I think they’ll be okay on Sunday.

Lions Passing vs. Vikings Defense: I’m hopeful here. I’ve been saying all year that Stafford needs to work his progressions. I’m not saying they are better without Johnson, but they are better when Stafford doesn’t treat him like his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd options. Of course, you want him there, but I think with the receivers that are there now (unlike last year vs. the Packers in Week 5 when Kris Durham was “the man” in Johnson’s absence) Stafford will be okay. The Vikings pass rush is nothing spectacular. If he gets time, he can get the job done.

Vikings Running vs. Lions Defense: Bitch, please. Unless Cordarrelle Patterson gets multiple successful touches, the Vikings aren’t going to be racking up the rushing stats. The Lions have been dominant against the run and Matt Asiata isn’t scaring you or me, or anyone in Honolulu blue.

Vikings Passing vs. Lions Defense: I’m a little worried here. Only because I love Teddy Bridgewater. I love his throwing motion, and I love what he puts behind the ball. It’s weird looking, really. It’s an efficient delivery, and he gets more velocity on the ball than it looks like his frame should provide. I’m hoping they get after him and rattle the kid, but I’m fearing that this is a game where he makes his name. Tackling will also be huge for the secondary, especially with Patterson on the field. The tackling of the secondary has been something I’ve liked. Let’s minimize the YAC, shall we?

Special Teams: The Vikings are very good here. Blair Walsh is yet another kicker we envy, and Patterson and Sherels are dangerous return men. Here’s Matt Prater’s shot. If he delivers a couple good kicks, we’ll love him. We’ll be chanting Hanson’s name if he doesn’t.

The Pick: Vikings 23, Lions 20. I’ve picked the Lions every week, but I’ve gotta be real. I have a baaaaaad feeling. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. I just see the offense struggling again.


Week 6 Picks

Last week: 9-5-1 Season: 41-33-2

Picks are in bold. 1-0 after Thursday’s game (pick made on Twitter).

Date & Time Favorite Line Underdog
10/12 1:00 ET Denver -9.5 At NY Jets
10/12 1:00 ET At Cleveland -1 Pittsburgh
10/12 1:00 ET At Tennessee -4 Jacksonville
10/12 4:25 ET At Atlanta -3 Chicago
10/12 1:00 ET Green Bay -3 At Miami
10/12 1:00 ET At Minnesota -1.5 Detroit
10/12 1:00 ET At Cincinnati -6.5 Carolina
10/12 1:00 ET New England -2.5 At Buffalo
10/12 1:00 ET Baltimore -3.5 At Tampa Bay
10/12 4:05 ET San Diego -7 At Oakland
10/12 4:25 ET At Seattle -8 Dallas
10/12 4:25 ET At Arizona -3.5 Washington
10/12 8:30 ET At Philadelphia -3 NY Giants

Monday Night Football Line

10/13 8:30 ET San Francisco -3.5 At St. Louis


Alright, that will do it. The plan is to get the podcast back on track. Part of it is space in the house. I need to clear out room in our office for all of the equipment. The other part is shouting “Hey!! Shut the fuck up!! I’m recording!!”.

Talk to you guys next week.


BLOG POST! Week 5: Bills at Lions preview

Hey, Everybody! No podcast previewing the Bills at Lions.  Too much time eaten up in my personal life to get it done.  Instead, here is a quick blog post with an abbreviated version of what I wanted to say.

Opening Rant:

In May of 1995, Gary Moeller was fired from his job as the University of Michigan’s head football coach after an “incident” at a local restaurant. He was drunk. Presumably, he acted like an ass. Fortunately for Moeller, this occurred in an age when “Big Random Person” wasn’t watching you with their pocket cameras, so we can only assume it was really bad.

Or, maybe not. After starting his Michigan coaching career with 3 straight Big Ten Conference championships, including a Rose Bowl victory, this bastard dared to go two straight seasons at 8-4 and merely finishing in the Top 25. With that sort of slip in production after taking the job over from the retired legend, Bo Schembechler, it was time to “right the ship”. Lloyd Carr was promoted in the wake of his firing and went on to coach the Wolverines to a National Championship (or half of one, depending on who you ask), among other years of success.

What happened to that standard? Unless Moeller was on double-secret probation after fucking the Dean’s wife and killing a horse, a harmless drunken “incident” shouldn’t have been grounds for termination. It was certainly less irresponsible than throwing a 20 year old kid back into a football game after taking a brief nap on the field.

Moeller had a 44-13-3 record in 5 seasons at Michigan. Brady Hoke matched Moeller’s loss total after 3 seasons, and now he’s piled on 4 more losses half way through his fourth season. And, still, he coaches…..

If Michigan never returns to its former glory, it won’t be because of Hoke’s failure (or Dave Brandon’s, rather). It will be because Michigan finds that failure acceptable.


Bills at Lions:

Joique Bell is out, LaAdrian Waddle is in. While that should improve the blocking, particularly in the passing game, Reggie Bush is going to be leaned on a little more. This Bills team can stop the run, though the absence of Kyle Williams at DT, due to injury, will help. It will help more for the Lions throwing the ball though, as Williams squashes pockets. This is going to be a game for the Lions to chuck the ball. Passing to set up the run. Although the Bills have some talent in their secondary in Aaron Williams and Corey Graham, they are in the bottom 25% of the league in passing yards allowed per game.

The thing I am not happy about is facing Kyle Orton rather than EJ Manuel. I’m not sweating Orton because he has had success versus the Lions in the past, it’s that he has had success at all. Manuel hasn’t. Would have been more comfortable watching Manuel panic. Orton is a cool customer who can throw accurate balls and make his progressions. And he has talent to throw to in Sammy Watkins, Robert Woods, and Mike Williams. He won’t turn any broken plays into successes, and he won’t make any big throws, so it’s up to the Lions to just do their job. And the Bills still have CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson, so running is an option, although the Lions are one of the best against the run.

But I won’t pick against the Lions here, although I think this game will make us uncomfortable.

Lions 31, Bills 27


Week 5 picks:

Last week: 8-4-1

Season: 32-28-1

Picks are highlighted

Date & Time Favorite Line Underdog
10/5 1:00 ET At Carolina -2.5 Chicago
10/5 1:00 ET At Tennessee -1.5 Cleveland
10/5 1:00 ET At Philadelphia -6.5 St. Louis
10/5 1:00 ET At NY Giants -4 Atlanta
10/5 1:00 ET At New Orleans -10.5 Tampa Bay
10/5 1:00 ET At Dallas -6.5 Houston
10/5 1:00 ET At Detroit -6.5 Buffalo
10/5 1:00 ET At Indianapolis -3.5 Baltimore
10/5 1:00 ET Pittsburgh -6 At Jacksonville
10/5 4:05 ET At Denver -7.5 Arizona
10/5 4:25 ET At San Francisco -5 Kansas City
10/5 4:25 ET At San Diego -6.5 NY Jets
10/5 8:30 ET Cincinnati -1 At New England

Monday Night Football Line

10/6 8:30 ET Seattle -7 At Washington 45.5


*Made correct pick, via Twitter, on Thursdays Minnesota/Green Bay game

Week 4: Lions at Jets recap

Matthew opens up by addressing the increasing rumors of this being Ndamukong Suh’s last season in Detroit.

He then looks back at Week 4’s game with the Jets by updating the LPGA Rankings.

Week 4: Lions at Jets preview

Matthew starts by addressing the suspension of Bill Simmons by ESPN.

He then previews Lions at Jets and finishes with his Week 4 picks.

Week 3: Packers at Lions recap

Matthew revisits the Lions home victory over the Packers via this week’s update to the LPGA Rankings.

Week 3: Packers at Lions Preview

After a quick message about tailgating, Matthew previews the Packers at Lions.  He then closes with the rest of the Week 3 picks.

Week 2: Lions at Panthers Recap

Matthew goes nuts on child abuse.

THEN he gets around to recapping the Lions at Panthers game by updating the LPGA Rankings.

Week 2: Lions at Panthers Preview

Matthew previews the Lions at Panthers, makes picks on the rest of Week 2’s games, and briefly touches on the Wolverines and Spartans.

Week 1 Recap: Giants at Lions (Plus, Ray Rice commentary)

Matthew starts off by sharing his thoughts on the Ray Rice situation.  He then gets into the Monday Night Game with the Giants via the LPGA Rankings.

Week 1: Giants at Lions (on Monday Night Football!) Preview

Matthew jumps right into Giants at Lions. He then gets into the Wolverines and Spartans weekend.  Closes with some thank yous/shout-outs.